But if I am completely me, they’ll think I’m unprofessional.

I spent an extraordinary amount of energy in my professional life “keeping it all together.” I had gathered the impression in my life that I couldn’t be “too” anything and still be accepted as a professional.

I couldn’t be too opinionated, too loud, too vibrant, too feminine, be too goofy, too playful, too emotional, make too many mistakes, ask too many questions, etc.  I felt a deeper fear of being judged as not qualified to hold a powerful position if I was too much of me. So I embraced the masculine sides of myself that were more controlled.

I know many women feel this way in the world of business. They are also holding themselves to standards that define how they “should be” in their role and they leave the other parts of themselves out. When they put on their work attire for the day they also create emotional containers around themselves that limit what they will tolerate from themselves at work.

Weighing out what we do in any situation is a huge part of being a professional. So yes, we must be self-aware. But many women are actually not in a state of self-aware, they are in a state of vigilance and anxiety when something becomes “too much.”

We get to this place from conditioning and messaging from family, society, colleagues and we strive to be “balanced” and stay in our containers so that we are accepted and valued.

The other place I see this is the conversation for women around “having a balanced life.” Balancing work, children, play, friends, social outlets. Don’t give too much but also watch that you don’t give too little. “Fu*k balance” is what I hear in my head whenever I am reading some magazine article about women balancing their lives to stay healthy. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Balance is another form of controlling ourselves so we are expending a bunch of our energy making sure we aren’t “too” anything.

A passionate life is more of what I advocate for. When we are embracing the moment of strong opinion, interest, activity, idea we generate more energy for ourselves. Embracing the desire to relax, rest and rejuvenate by allowing it 100% of our focus is how we generate energy. This creates a state of ease rather than an effort to stay balanced.

Women who are powerful and attract me the most are the ones who are “too” anything. I don’t always have to agree with them but I deeply appreciate that they awaken me and make me think and feel.

I used to strive to tamp down parts of me that might lead to judgment … and truthfully at times I still struggle with this. Changing habitual reactions takes time. I have a practice of being aware and I catch myself sooner. So when that feeling in my stomach arises and that voice starts telling me to quiet down, or that I don’t want to rock the boat … I watch it, hear it and then make a decision to move forward.

And it continues to fascinate and invigorate me that people are way more interested when I am unleashed, vulnerable and real.

The quote I often see on bumper stickers just came to my mind “Well behaved women rarely make history” by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. I know that most women don’t actually care about making history but the quote always triggers images of creating big and feeling fully engaged, of playing full out and creating a ripple effect in other people.

And since work and life are just parts of this big experiment called life – why not play with the results you get when you are “too” something. It is more likely that only you think you are being “too much” when really others are feeling your passion and your presence.

Tension creates limitation. Ease creates potential.

I flew back to the west coast recently after working with two awesome women in DC. I had a connection in Salt Lake City and I was envisioning sitting next to an amazing woman who would be really interesting on each leg of the trip. But that wasn’t quite how it panned out.

I am always really curious and interested in the power of body language and how we use our physical body to invite connection or keep it at bay. When I sat down on my second leg of the trip, my 19-year-old seatmate quickly informed me that he was flying home to California from an unplanned 90-day drug rehab in Montana. His parents had admitted him and he said they saved his life. He was clearly anxious and was speaking quickly. He was clearly uncertain and very excited to get back to the familiar.

As he started talking, I could physically sense the people all around us tensing their bodies. They pulled out their papers, books or headphones in a clear and obvious attempt to create distance. His body language was saying, “Help, I want to feel safe here and I need all of your help to do that” … except everyone around him was shutting down.

Our bodies make great defense systems when we tense up. We send unseen messages to others that they are not welcome or that they shouldn’t enter our space. It gives us a perceived safety from the emotional world around us. Mostly I sense that we fear overwhelm. What if we let someone into our space and they seem unpredictable and we don’t know how to manage their demands on us emotionally? So we quickly shut people out that we don’t have the skills to handle.

The problem here is not only that we don’t allow ourselves to connect with others – it also drains our energy to resist and create tension against them.

Using your body to interact with others effectively and knowing literally what to say to maintain control of your energy, gives you power and ease. You CAN connect to others without it feeling unpredictable or overwhelming.

When I observed the people around us shutting him out, I felt compassion for him. I could sense that he was scared and there was a lot happening in his life – a quiet plane ride was torture for him. I did have the skills to manage his demands without draining my energy. So I softened, felt ease in my body and my mind. I chose body language that allowed him to feel safe and accepted while not inviting in too much conversation or drain. Talking doesn’t mean connection.  I answered his questions, I read, I gave him a pen to draw with to decrease his anxiety.

I used my body language to create fluid boundaries not walls. I left with lots of energy. I felt kindness and love for myself, and this stranger that I let into my space.  I felt connected though we only spoke 100 words.

When we can hold this space for people, we become highly attractive and we have energy to spare. We attract great people to our lives, clients, team members, friends … particularly other people who can also hold space for us to feel connected.

What would your work and life look like if you were at ease and knew exactly how to communicate and connect with the right people?