Why am I talking about this? A simple experiment to gain back energy

When I started asking this question, which eventually became one of The Curiosity Experiment cards, I was starting to notice that talking was one of the ways I burn off my extra energy aka my potential.

Through numerous conversations with my wise other half, Jeff, I became aware of the multitude of ways that I was wasting my energy – energy and focus that could be used to create awesome things, share ideas or serve more people.

In a culture that highly values intellect and our expression of it, we often talk to prove our value, cement who we are and what we believe and to connect. But when we are talking, if we are not paying attention, it often creates distance, not intimacy. Typically we learn that talking equals connection and intimacy, which is in reality, is most often not true.

Intimacy unleashes HUGE potential so I want to explore how to be intimate more often.

So I started asking, “Why am I talking about this?”, throughout the day. I started noticing and still do, how often what I say is unnecessary and how often I am talking to burn off extra energy, NOT to create more potential and intimacy.

Being intimate, connecting more and making a bigger ripple effect is more important than talking to me. Through The Change Militia practices, I am learning to FEEL when I am “TOO” VITALIZED, and might choose to DO SOMETHING to burn off that vitality – like talk a lot. I FEEL discomfort arise and I can choose something that will help me feel at ease and be connected rather than simply alleviate the discomfort. Then I am tapping more of my potential.

DOES THIS SOUND NUTTY? Give it a try. Ask throughout the day, why am I talking about this? Be curious and notice if it is actually a contribution or necessary OR if it just feels good to talk because that is familiar.

Choose to be curious – practices that help you trust and know yourself through experimenting will help you have greater long-term success and fulfillment.

Kelly

Being kind is really a pathway to power

Being kind is really a pathway to power and all about changing the world from the inside out. I honestly had no idea what kindness really was or how powerful it was until I met Jeff 8 years ago. I’ve said this before but his example and continuing practice showed me another way.

I was SO unkind to myself and as a result, too often, to others in my life. My previous life involved a daily barrage of meanness to myself which led to me saying and doing things I used to fuel more self-judgment and hatred. Ouch. Not powerful… in fact every bully remark I mad to myself diluted my personal power

I was so demanding because I wanted the world to be a better place!  I demanded that people wake up and be loving, tolerant, generous to the poor, caring to the animals, and engaged and aware of our environment. I was seeing things in my life overseas and terrified that people here were in the dark. I saw the media was lying, I saw the destruction of cultures and I wanted to save the forests in these remote places. So much fear and suffering in my body. So much judgment.

In the last many years, I experienced how nice and kind are quite different. And compassion and empathy are so different.

Kind and demand do not go together. Ranting to and about other people and how bad things were, was not kind and it did not change much for the better, it simply perpetuated division and judgment.

People would mostly say that previously I was nice and compassionate. Now I see, that nice and compassionate lack depth, they were more mental constructs I thought my way to. I could be ¨nice¨ to others by DOING something nice, all the while FEELING like I sucked. I THOUGHT my way to nice & compassionate, but I FEEL & BE empathetic and kind which allows for more connection with others.

My emotional, physical, energetic, mental – are all engaged when I am BEING kind and empathetic. It is incredibly satiating and empowering. I got there by doing some practices that allowed me to experience this new way of being.

THIS HAS BEEN A LIFE CHANGER. So now, the world continues on, the same as it was 20 years ago, perhaps worse. Chaos and destruction exist but I see it and respond to it in a whole new way. I am changing myself first. I am BEING kind to others and me. As a result, my fear level is incredibly low compared to when I was unkind to myself, which allows me to take clear, results oriented action. And I like myself, and others a lot more … even when we disagree.

Kindness is not weak it is powerful. It has the power to change the world.

And being a kindness warrior is not demanding that anyone be anything else, it is me being more aware of what kindness looks like in every moment of my life inside and out.

Choose to be curious,

Kelly

Your avoidance of conflict may cost you … literally.

"Women that I know don’t want to be the bad guy." Those were the words that a business owner recently shared with me while discussing conflict.

I was sharing how I help clients to communicate more effectively and in how many ways it helps create more time and success in their lives. As we were talking, she shared that if she had been able to manage conversations better with a former employee that she would have saved $300,000 in a lawsuit.

Culturally, many women have learned that “being nice” equates with avoiding conflict. Somehow the message is that if you enter into conflict and say what you mean that you will be the bag guy or worse a bitch. That “nice girls” and ladylike behavior calls for quite and polite or someone to smooth over an uncomfortable situation.

Avoiding conflict or uncomfortable situations doesn’t make them go away. In fact the avoidance can actually create a worse conflict with highly uncomfortable results. When we avoid it, we send the message that we want to distance ourselves and avoid the other person involved.  And we don’t like when people want to avoid us – it often triggers feelings of rejection, fear and ultimately anger in us. And when we feel anger, we can get petty and do unkind things… like suing a former employer and friend that we used to like.

Situations of conflict are affected 100% by perception. What I might perceive and respond to quite easily, may be a situation that triggers is much tension for you that you flight, fight or flee. If I handle it easily I save energy, feel lighter, can move onto the next situation without any baggage.  When we get bogged down by a interaction that we defined as conflicted, we expend energy before, during and after the interaction – energy that could be used for things we love or other creative ideas.

The emotion of fear can become as heavy as real solid matter. We can choose to identify it as simply an emotion that arises as we look at the potential of what might happen.  The potential that the person I am about to talk with might be angry, sad, excited…it is all unknown how they will react so we become fearful and create stories around outcomes that haven’t even happened yet.

1.     Conflict is often based around change – a change in a situation, conversation, relationship, emotion, etc.

2.     People fear change because it makes them feel emotionally unsafe when they do not know what is about to happen, they fear that they won’t be able to manage the result, or they fear they will lose power.

3.     Avoiding the conflict creates a situation where the fear of change can now build and create a bigger more dramatic situation to be dealt with

4.     People just want to know what is coming next and what they can expect so they can mitigate their discomfort and fear of the unknown.

5.     Approaching an uncomfortable situation directly, transparently and kindly will diffuse tension and close the distance between you. If you avoid the situation, now you have increased the unknown for them and the distance between you and the other person.

6.     Result of avoidance: More fear, anger, poor decision making (aka lawsuit), retaliation, disrespect….Etc.

7.     Result of engagement: Though it may not be joyful at the end you have increased understanding, diffused fear, potential for moving forward respectfully.

When people are in fear we make bad decisions.  

People like to feel connected. Creating a connection with the person you are in conflict with, gives you a new approach. It can help diffuse the fear for both of you. I have written before about direct, transparent, kind communication. When we use these three points in an interaction we shift the dynamics between two people. We do not have to agree with one another to maintain a respectful connection and move through conflict in a way that productive for both of us.

Most people have not had it modeled for them how conflict can be handled easily and fluidly. This is one of the things I work on with clients because the voidance of conflict drains time and energy and is exhausting way more than the “conflict” itself.

But if I am completely me, they’ll think I’m unprofessional.

I spent an extraordinary amount of energy in my professional life “keeping it all together.” I had gathered the impression in my life that I couldn’t be “too” anything and still be accepted as a professional.

I couldn’t be too opinionated, too loud, too vibrant, too feminine, be too goofy, too playful, too emotional, make too many mistakes, ask too many questions, etc.  I felt a deeper fear of being judged as not qualified to hold a powerful position if I was too much of me. So I embraced the masculine sides of myself that were more controlled.

I know many women feel this way in the world of business. They are also holding themselves to standards that define how they “should be” in their role and they leave the other parts of themselves out. When they put on their work attire for the day they also create emotional containers around themselves that limit what they will tolerate from themselves at work.

Weighing out what we do in any situation is a huge part of being a professional. So yes, we must be self-aware. But many women are actually not in a state of self-aware, they are in a state of vigilance and anxiety when something becomes “too much.”

We get to this place from conditioning and messaging from family, society, colleagues and we strive to be “balanced” and stay in our containers so that we are accepted and valued.

The other place I see this is the conversation for women around “having a balanced life.” Balancing work, children, play, friends, social outlets. Don’t give too much but also watch that you don’t give too little. “Fu*k balance” is what I hear in my head whenever I am reading some magazine article about women balancing their lives to stay healthy. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Balance is another form of controlling ourselves so we are expending a bunch of our energy making sure we aren’t “too” anything.

A passionate life is more of what I advocate for. When we are embracing the moment of strong opinion, interest, activity, idea we generate more energy for ourselves. Embracing the desire to relax, rest and rejuvenate by allowing it 100% of our focus is how we generate energy. This creates a state of ease rather than an effort to stay balanced.

Women who are powerful and attract me the most are the ones who are “too” anything. I don’t always have to agree with them but I deeply appreciate that they awaken me and make me think and feel.

I used to strive to tamp down parts of me that might lead to judgment … and truthfully at times I still struggle with this. Changing habitual reactions takes time. I have a practice of being aware and I catch myself sooner. So when that feeling in my stomach arises and that voice starts telling me to quiet down, or that I don’t want to rock the boat … I watch it, hear it and then make a decision to move forward.

And it continues to fascinate and invigorate me that people are way more interested when I am unleashed, vulnerable and real.

The quote I often see on bumper stickers just came to my mind “Well behaved women rarely make history” by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. I know that most women don’t actually care about making history but the quote always triggers images of creating big and feeling fully engaged, of playing full out and creating a ripple effect in other people.

And since work and life are just parts of this big experiment called life – why not play with the results you get when you are “too” something. It is more likely that only you think you are being “too much” when really others are feeling your passion and your presence.

Tension creates limitation. Ease creates potential.

I flew back to the west coast recently after working with two awesome women in DC. I had a connection in Salt Lake City and I was envisioning sitting next to an amazing woman who would be really interesting on each leg of the trip. But that wasn’t quite how it panned out.

I am always really curious and interested in the power of body language and how we use our physical body to invite connection or keep it at bay. When I sat down on my second leg of the trip, my 19-year-old seatmate quickly informed me that he was flying home to California from an unplanned 90-day drug rehab in Montana. His parents had admitted him and he said they saved his life. He was clearly anxious and was speaking quickly. He was clearly uncertain and very excited to get back to the familiar.

As he started talking, I could physically sense the people all around us tensing their bodies. They pulled out their papers, books or headphones in a clear and obvious attempt to create distance. His body language was saying, “Help, I want to feel safe here and I need all of your help to do that” … except everyone around him was shutting down.

Our bodies make great defense systems when we tense up. We send unseen messages to others that they are not welcome or that they shouldn’t enter our space. It gives us a perceived safety from the emotional world around us. Mostly I sense that we fear overwhelm. What if we let someone into our space and they seem unpredictable and we don’t know how to manage their demands on us emotionally? So we quickly shut people out that we don’t have the skills to handle.

The problem here is not only that we don’t allow ourselves to connect with others – it also drains our energy to resist and create tension against them.

Using your body to interact with others effectively and knowing literally what to say to maintain control of your energy, gives you power and ease. You CAN connect to others without it feeling unpredictable or overwhelming.

When I observed the people around us shutting him out, I felt compassion for him. I could sense that he was scared and there was a lot happening in his life – a quiet plane ride was torture for him. I did have the skills to manage his demands without draining my energy. So I softened, felt ease in my body and my mind. I chose body language that allowed him to feel safe and accepted while not inviting in too much conversation or drain. Talking doesn’t mean connection.  I answered his questions, I read, I gave him a pen to draw with to decrease his anxiety.

I used my body language to create fluid boundaries not walls. I left with lots of energy. I felt kindness and love for myself, and this stranger that I let into my space.  I felt connected though we only spoke 100 words.

When we can hold this space for people, we become highly attractive and we have energy to spare. We attract great people to our lives, clients, team members, friends … particularly other people who can also hold space for us to feel connected.

What would your work and life look like if you were at ease and knew exactly how to communicate and connect with the right people?