Thoughts On “Tolerating” More Happiness

This morning I woke up and had my tea, and I did a little quiet sitting. I was provoked by a book I haven’t read yet, called Happier Than God. I don’t really know the author or his work, but someone recommended it on my last retreat.

I started reflecting again on how much of life is spent seeking — chasing happiness, wholeness, love, joy. As if those things are somewhere out there and we just haven’t found the right way to get to them yet.

What I’ve come to see is that there are really two ways of being here on earth:
you can be a seeker, or you can be a finder … or really, somewhere on the spectrum.

If you spend your life seeking, that’s what you’ll keep getting. Because that’s the mirror. That’s how this works. You get what you’re being. So if you’re in a state of trying — trying to figure it out, trying to be happy, trying to find the right creativity, the right business, the right amount of money, the right body — that state itself is what keeps reproducing.

You’ll always get more trying.

That’s the first thing: whatever you’re putting out, you’re going to get back.

If you’re putting out confusion, or “I don’t know how to be happy,” or “I don’t know how to have joy or love,” then that’s what continues to show up.

But there’s a second layer to this, and it’s really important. We are organisms that seek homeostasis.

Our systems settle into a familiar range — physically, emotionally, energetically. There’s a level of happiness, openness, joy that feels “normal” to us. That level is usually shaped early in life and reinforced through experience.

When we approach the edge of that familiar range, the system reacts. If we go beyond it, the body interprets that as danger. From the organism’s perspective, going outside the known range equals threat.

So what happens?

We hit an edge — and we pull back.

This is where awareness matters. Because what’s actually happening isn’t danger. It’s simply the edge of what we’re accustomed to tolerating.

Let’s say your system is calibrated to a 5.2 level of happiness on a 1–10 scale. Once you start approaching that level, alarms go off.
“Wait. Don’t receive more.”
“Don’t feel too good.”
“Don’t notice how amazing this is.”

Not because it’s true — but because it’s familiar.

These are just thoughts. They are not truth.

If you want to experience higher states — joy, love, peace, creativity — you have to tolerate the discomfort of moving through that edge.

And this is the part most people don’t understand. You actually have to tolerate more happiness.

As strange as that sounds, it’s true. Moving from a 5.2 to a 6.2 or a 7.2 doesn’t feel comfortable at first. The system has to learn that it won’t die. That it won’t be rejected. That it can expand and still be okay.

Most people never make that shift. They stay committed to seeking happiness rather than finding it — because finding it would push them beyond their homeostatic set point.

I’ve seen this clearly in my own life, I had to tolerate more joy, more abundance, more ease — and notice that I didn’t implode. I didn’t lose everything. I didn’t disappear.

What changed was where my attention went. When I stopped putting my attention on “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I figure this out yet?” - those questions stopped running the system. They had been keeping me in homeostasis without me realizing it.

At some point, there’s a real decision:
I don’t want to seek anymore.
I want to find.

When you cross that internal line — even slightly — momentum picks up. You realize you didn’t die. You weren’t rejected. And yes, some things fall away — but you’re no longer interested in them anyway.

This is what people don’t account for. They fear losing something when they become happier, freer, more alive. But the person you become no longer wants what falls away.

Your entire being reorganizes. And interestingly, this doesn’t require more effort. In my own life, it’s meant less action. Less pushing. Less marketing. More awareness of my edges. More presence with my internal state.

From those states — happiness, freedom, ease — new choices arise naturally.

This isn’t something we’re taught very often. I stumbled around for a long time without seeing it until my partner Jeff taught about it. I even shaped my work in ways that kept me at a certain level because I didn’t want to outgrow people or feel separate or “more than.”

But that doesn’t lift anyone.

What actually helps is going for what’s possible — and letting others entrain to that. Not fixing them. Not pulling them. Just being a little further along the path and letting that be felt.

The happier, more peaceful, more joyful you become, the more naturally your life reorganizes. New people appear. New conversations. New decisions around money, work, creativity.

Not because you’re trying to prove anything — but because you’re no longer afraid of having enough or being enough.

So that’s what came through this morning.

The shift from seeker to finder.
And the willingness to tolerate more of what we say we want.

Do you realize how much influence you hold?

I’m walking on a forest trail as I record this.
It’s quiet. A little chilly. Beautiful.

There’s water running through the creek today, which isn’t always the case. As I squatted down by the edge, watching the water move around the rocks, something became very clear to me.

This creek bed has changed.

Just last night—or the night before—floodwaters rushed through here. And now, you’d never know it. The water is calm. Peaceful. Flowing gently.

But the banks tell a different story.

The water moved pine needles, sticks, brush. It knocked things over. It exposed roots—big roots on big trees. And once roots are exposed, the stability of the tree changes. How it’s anchored changes. Its future changes.

As I kept walking, I found myself thinking about influence.

My work is with people who have influence—people whose presence ripples out into businesses, communities, families, systems. And what I notice again and again is this:

Most people don’t realize how influential they are.

In a world obsessed with “influencers,” likes, followers, visibility, and status, it’s easy to believe that only certain people matter. Politicians. CEOs. People with platforms.

But influence isn’t a title.
It’s a condition of being human.

We influence all the time.

A child walks into a room and changes everything instantly—through joy, noise, emotion, presence. One employee who believes they “don’t matter” can shift the energy of an entire workplace. One comment—said casually, forgotten by the speaker—can alter someone’s life years later.

I’ve had people tell me, decades later, that something I said changed the direction of their life. I often have no memory of it. But the influence happened anyway.

That’s how influence works.

We live in a very masculine, productivity-driven culture that equates influence with output, numbers, and visibility. But influence is quieter than that. It’s more like wind moving through trees—shaping weather, pulling in clouds, changing what will grow and what will wash away.

More rain will come here.
More water will move the silt and sand.
More roots will be exposed.
Some things will die.
Some things will finally thrive.

Influence is happening everywhere, all the time.

What I most enjoy is working with people who can acknowledge this—not with ego, but with responsibility. People who can say:

I do influence others.
And I want to be conscious with that.
I want to be a force for good.

It doesn’t matter who you are.
It doesn’t matter how many people you reach.
We’re all connected.

So if there’s anything I hope you take from this—standing by a creek, listening to the water—it’s this:

You influence others.
Constantly.
With everything you do.

Managing Chaos by Understanding Creation

There is much chaos happening in the world around us - and there always is. When we see how creation works we can anchor into something more solid rather than getting pulled all over by the chaos around us. Here are some pointers as to how to do that and maintain a sense of joy and peace inside while the world feels crazy.

Joy, Being “too much” and Inciting Events

I spent so much of my life moderating myself so I wouldn’t make other people uncomfortable. Recently that is not so much a thing. I met with my friend Madeleine this past weekend and we had this lovely conversation about something that’s been on my mind. Inciting events. Inciting events have the capacity to completely change the trajectory of your life in a minute. So here I just explored my relationship to exciting event events and what’s possible.

Xo Kelly

Are you surviving or thriving?

I have examined this so much in the past decade. There is a distinct state of being for each of these. One is definitely not helping while the other is leading to freedom! Joy, love, power, abundance, and etc.

I thought I’d give you a couple things to think about. The world could really benefit from you thriving.

❤️, Kelly

Do you know what you are seeking?

What are you looking for with all your searching and scrolling and reading and trying? Maybe this video will help you to feel what you are looking for so you can get more clear and go right for it.

💗, Kelly

What are you looking for with all your searching and scrolling and reading and trying? Maybe this video will help you to feel what you are looking for so you can get more clear and go right for it.

So what does success mean to you? 🤔

So what does success mean to you? 🤔

After my morning meditation I was reflecting on how successful my life is … when I don’t allow distracting influences to suggest otherwise. This is all a personal journey we are on. A creative adventure that we get to evolve and are ALWAYS co-creating.

A life of joy, love, exploration … these are my markers for success. What are yours?

Embed Block

Add an embed URL or code. Learn more

Pleasure vs Joy - finding a pathway to fulfillment

An exploration of the difference between pleasure and joy and how attending to your choices can change the whole feeling of life and work. Hope you choose to experiment with it!

How to deal with the overwhelm and outrage over SCOTUS's overturn of Roe v. Wade

If you're feeling overwhelmed, mystified, outraged, confused, devastated, or otherwise emotionally triggered over the Supreme Court's decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, watch this NOW.

In the video, Amy Birks and I share practical tools and resources to help women and supporters of women's rights to turn their fear and rage into power and action. We question the idea that meeting this challenging situation with resistance and angry confrontations is the only way to move forward from here, and offer a more effective, powerful alternative that WILL create the change we're looking for, and much more quickly and efficiently.

FEAR is contagious. POWER is the solution.

Watch NOW to learn how to become instantly more powerful. And SHARE with every woman you know who needs some hope, optimism, and tools for managing their outrage and overwhelm right now.

Operating from FOMO is dis-empowering you … here is what to do about it

FOMO - Fear Of Missing Out - is the age old marketing tool used to manipulate us into buying things we don’t need or want. Amy Birks and I have both trained with coaches who have taught us this very technique which is rampant in the coaching world. We have also fallen prey to it and sadly, we both used it in the past when we were trying to work out how to build our businesses - not something either of us are proud of. BUT with experimentation and exploration of true power, we know another way.

If you are in a marketing, sales, or leadership role this exploration is worth listening to so YOU can examine is you are using it and where you are buying into it - and ultimately how to STOP wasting your energy and be more powerful.

Hope you enjoy!

You CAN stop hustling ... here's how to work and live without the stress of the hustle habits

Amy Birks and I are having another conversation that I think you will appreciate. Hustle is this overrated, exhausting way of practicing life and business that leaves us NOT fulfilled … so why live and work that way when you can do it another way?

Our culture has really done a great job of creating so much fear in us, especially those of us with the high achievers mindset, that in order to have success and feel happy you simply must work hard and hustle. Just questioning that agreement opens possibilities to a life that can be more well lived and joyful.

We discuss other ways of operating here in this episode of What’s the Deal With … Hustle?

I wasn’t really being kind … an exploration of our intentions and the power they have

I originally wrote this post for Harmony Farm Sanctuary where I do a lot of weekly volunteering. It has been an endless teacher for me and so I thought I would share what I learned from MooDonna the dairy cow many years ago that literally changed my life in so many, many good ways.

---

I wasn’t really being kind …

About 5 years ago I got very focused on being intentional about who I am in the world. I decided that being Kind was one of my main intentions along with be love and be present.

When I started sharing this with friends, I got a lot of feedback about how kind I already was. But I didn’t feel that way. I was nice, kind seemed like something I could learn to do better.

So I did an assessment about where I was kind. I looked inside and out and came up with some very clear areas to attend to. I realized that I had been taught to be kind … but that kindness was narrow. It included humans and animals I was familiar with. Anyone I had a visual of.

I was really unkind to myself. That was a great start to see that. And when I looked at all the places my energy went I saw how one step away I was directly engaged in lots of un-kindness, and normalized abuse and neglect. Ouch! When I followed my money, I saw my purchases were supporting clothing that was treating women and the environment like they didn’t matter so I stopped that. Then I saw that while I had been primarily “vegetarian” for 20 years, I started to see the direct harm I was financing when I bought cheese and products with dairy hidden inside.

Funny how lessons come at the right time. MooDonna arrived one day at the farm just as I was really asking myself to be honest about who I am and how much my choices mattered. She was a beautiful dairy cow who was so obviously sad and suffering.

MooDonna changed my whole life, I wish she knew that. In one day, I stopped eating any animal products because whether I wanted to see it or not, I was the direct cause of numerous animals suffering. NOT KIND. Nor was it kind to myself to keep pretending I wasn’t part of the problem.

MooDonna spent her life as a dairy cow, kept pregnant – do you know the machine that impregnates them is called a rape machine. I almost threw up when I heard that. Babies are removed and separated right after pregnancy just so the farmer can capture their milk … somehow growing up in suburbia I never put together that milk only comes from pregnant cows. I literally never thought about it. I was contributing to this suffering for mothers and babies day after day.

She was going to be slaughtered because she wasn’t going to be profitable anymore – another kicker she was pregnant! She was going to be slaughtered while pregnant. This is actually common practice. (Gratefully, she was brought to the farm where she changed my life and received so much love for the end of her life.)

So, she delivered a baby at the farm who died right there. It was awful. Heartbreaking and she was devastated. This was like the 12th baby she had not been able to mother. Imagine birthing 12 babies that were taken away and now this one died. This poor lady and millions like her suffered because we like the pleasure of ice cream, butter, cheese, etc. Treated like machines.

Sound a bit dramatic? Well, that day I realized it wasn’t. It was just the truth of what I had been part of.

MooDonna lived and got to be foster mother to our baby cow Norman for maybe a year before she ultimately died of disease. She was a great mother and friend to our goats but she never did really get too close to us humans. She seemed emotionally spent.

MooDonna woke me up in the big picture sense. She showed me directly how I could truly be kind. It wasn’t just in words to other humans or actions but in all of our choices we can follow the results of our choices.

I am kind to myself now. I actively appreciate myself every time I chose to eat or buy something that won’t harm an animal or human as a result. It feels good. Choosing kindness was a life changer. Moodonna taught me to question my beliefs about my need for cheese. The world is now filled with vegan replacements. I have zero excuse to not be kind.

How can this be easy? Getting unstuck with business decisions.

Often I hear leaders and entrepreneurs talk about getting stuck and losing momentum on a project or business decision when things start to feel hard … which then makes it feel harder to get clarity and make decisions and get out of the funk of having no momentum. It becomes a viscous cycle.

Unfortunately, for so many creatives, many opportunities are lost or dropped once this cycle begins and people take it as a sign that its not meant to happen - so maybe try this first.

One of the questions I am always asking is “how can this be easy?” First, that doesn’t mean that in the end it will not be challenging but more so how can this be full of ease - no stressing, trying, efforting to get this moving forward. How can I see this without all the extra distraction and confusion and move it forward?

In this video I address how I walked through it with a friend who is starting a new business endeavor a couple weeks ago. Two days later she happily texted that things were rolling again and back on track so I hope it may help you too.

If you are so busy with all of the thoughts in your mind, where is the space for creativity and real connection with others?

When our minds are busy all of the time, we drain our energy resources. We are literally using up resources that could be used for things that are more important to us.

When you really look at what you are thinking about, most of it is simply distraction. We convince ourselves it’s important but really it’s draining drivel.

The most powerful silence is internal and wowza it’s a challenge in this modern world and in a culture that suggests that more information and thinking and knowledge is better.

Mental chatter is unbalancing and mostly dis-empowering, certainly most of the external chatter we hear and are subject to.

Experiment for yourself with this. Be quiet. Watch what happens when you are quiet. Watch what thoughts arise. Watch what value you give it. Where do the thoughts arise from? Allow it to be easy and quiet. Soften. Let them go.

If you are so busy with all of the thoughts in your mind, where is the space for creativity and real connection with others?

“My attention is my greatest asset.” - I realized that after a meditation many years ago. What I put my attention on is what I create. If I can’t control my attention I am powerless. If I can’t get quiet I can’t control my attention.

Hmm. I also have observed that the mind REALLY thinks it’s so important and that if I don’t think, I won’t produce or act or be the person I think I need to be … but silence has taught me otherwise. It’s pretty magic that thinking less allows me to be more myself and magically I continue to create and live and love … and have many more clear, creative and real thoughts.

So again, experiment. Stop the outside noise. Settle the inside noise. It’s all habit so it will take time but the results will be worth it.

The longevity of real power and good leadership for businesses and entrepreneurs

Yesterday I had a conversation with a woman in her 70’s. She was in a leadership position at a University and was discussing how she STILL has people reach out to her that she mentored decades ago. This woman is a powerful person - she is loving, present, generous with her attention, smart to ahem a few.

Real power - personal power that arises from within - not manipulation, management or coercion is long lasting. It is unfortunately rare. That’s why I love working on the foundation with clients that give the an edge in their business to be different.

I decided to research “what do people think of their boss” online this morning because honestly whether you are a leader in a business or an entrepreneur who pays contractors or employees, people tend to think of you as “the boss.” The one who holds the power and the paycheck. This is what I found in Forbes Magazine:

- Only about half (53%) of employees agree that their boss values their opinion.

- Approximately one-third (35%) feel inspired by their boss.

They discussed other stats in the article but these two really hit home. Especially the one about not being inspired.

Real power inspires. It radiates out so it lights up others potential.

Leaders who are operating on this type of power that I explore with clients, make their work way easier. When you inspire others to show up and be more powerful themselves, they take care of business. You stop hustling, you stop trying so hard to manage all the pieces, you stop feeling fear.

Everything gets easier.

The woman I referred to had created such a ripple effect with her powerful mojo, and continues to do so now, that people love talking with their old “boss.” Her life is fuller because of ease she carries and radiates.

Its joyful to be around truly powerful people and simply exhausting to be around people who constantly need to control the environment - aka what we have come to know as power in the typical world of business.

What's the Deal With ... VALUE

Join us for Episode #1 of "What's the Deal With..." Using Curiosity to Be More Powerful & Get Better Results in Life & Biz

Business Growth Strategist Amy Birks and I are curious about a LOT of stuff that typically hangs up purpose-driven founders, creative entrepreneurs, and high-achieving leaders and we have these conversations ALL THE TIME. So we decided to start recording them to share with you.

In "What's the Deal With..." we use our insatiable curiosity and uncommon approaches to life and business to explore the pitfalls and opportunities within a range of fascinating topics. In each episode you'll find thoughtful philosophies, unique tools, and a challenging invitation to get curious for yourself about how you might think and respond differently to these common experiences we run into in our entrepreneurial human journey so you can live more powerfully and get better results in life and in business.

Episode #1 - What's the Deal With... VALUE

In this episode, we're exploring the idea of "value". How do we determine what's valuable? And what are the consequences of giving things too MUCH value in our lives and businesses?

If you're a leader or an entrepreneur, you're constantly making decisions about where to put your focus - and those decisions get made based on what and how you're valuing the options in front of you.

And if you're feeling overwhelmed by all-of-the-things, or like you're out of capacity for the things that bring meaning to your life, there's a GREAT opportunity for you to look at the value you're giving all-of-the-things so you can determine if they're actually necessary... ...or if perhaps you could be operating more efficiently and effectively by valuing some of those activities a little less.

Watch the video to learn more, and to get some actionable tips for becoming more efficient with your decision making, and more present and powerful in life.

What would happen if you stop “trying” to get things right

Most of us don't realize how draining the energy of "trying" is to our systems. We spend SO much time trying to figure things out, get them right, be a better person, be enough, not be too much, etc.

Trying is one of the most effective ways to deplete power and drain your energy resources. When we remove this from our system - which I speak about more in the video - we start recouping our resources which allow us to think more clearly and make better decisions. When you are trying, you are not actually doing the thing.

I made this video to give some insights to how to let that go and what else is possible when you do. It is one of the best insights I ever experimented with.

Creating space and changing our environment is so vital to changing our mind

Yesterday I was out hiking in the very bright high desert sun(squinting the whole time!), mid-winter in oddly warm weather, right next to old growth Junipers for miles. I was reminded how much making change depends on giving your mind the conditions to do so and I sat down under this tree and talked about it.

Often we engage in many types of activities to grow, change, "become better people" or feel that we are going to be more fulfilled but creating space to allow your mind to shift is a key element in this success. In this video I go over how changing the scenery and having space it affects our brain.

Spending time alone for a couple hours or days, or planning a retreat … or even changing your routine can create space in your mind to see things in a new way and integrate new thought patterns and possibilities.

If you aren't celebrating, your potential for fulfillment is much less.

People who have a high achieving mindset often pass over their accomplishments without much attention and move right on to the next thing on the list, no matter how big the accomplishment was. And this habit pushes fulfillment further away.

In the video I talk about a way to get curious about this and how to step closer to feeling fulfilled but as a starter, power and fulfillment both require having access to your own energy and if all you do is use it up on working hard, figuring things out and solving problems your energy won’t be available to use the way you want. More on the video…

A review of what curiosity is and "What if you weren't afraid of getting it wrong?"